I am a Survivor
Updated: Aug 13, 2019
I met my abuser 6 years ago on a production set. He was the sound guy and I was the actress. He was engaging, thoughtful, and incredibly charasmatic. We started dating the next month, got engaged the following month, followed with a wedding the month after that. THREE MONTHS! We only knew each other three months. I chose to ignore that red flag. I believed when he said that he never met anyone like me and was falling in love whole heartedly.
Shortly after, the violent episodes started happening. My abusive partner started by punching walls or breaking things whenever he would get mad at me. These types of incidences would happen almost every month and would escalate to physical abuse a few years later. I would always feel intimidated and threatened whenever he would do those things.
Throughout the years, I justified his abuse to myself and others. I minimized and omitted many of his actions. It was not long till he began to blame me for his abusive behavior and bring up whatever petty offenses I did over the course of our marriage. The realization of these patterns allowed me to see the wrongness and severity of what he did to me.
One night, my abuser and I went out with some friends. Afterward, we walked home. We arrived and noticed the dogs were missing. He started yelling at me. We looked everywhere for the dogs and found the them underneath the nightstands. He started to blame me for the situation. I tried to get away from him to avoid the argument by turning away from him. The full weight of my body and brain endured that night has hit me full force. I can still feel what he did to me that night, getting my face grabbed and thrown against the door frame of our bedroom, falling to the ground, and getting kicked on my breasts, legs, pelvis over and over again. I cannot put into words the anguish I felt that night. I discovered that this was only the beginning of my suffering as well as my healing.
Each day I endure the full scope of trauma symptoms. All of this suffering because, in his words that night: “this is all of your fault”. I know this phase won’t last forever, though I am told it can last many years. I will never be the same. This has caused me irreparable harm. One thing is for sure... I am not a victim, I am a survivor.